Not too long after my last update the twins arrived! At 2:10 on February 2nd I woke up to use the restroom and realized that something was definitely not right. :o) At 37 weeks 2 days, my membranes had ruptured and the nurses called the doctor and sent me to labor and delivery. I called Brad and he made the 45 minute drive to the hospital in record time. He says that it was because there wasn't any traffic. I'm just glad he didn't get a speeding ticket. :o)
We hung out in the labor and delivery triage area for what seemed like a lifetime. By 7:00 the medications that they gave me to stop my contractions had worn off and I was a little cranky.
The nurses kept coming in to tell me that my doctor wasn't there yet, and finally around 10:00am the doctor came in and after that it all happened so FAST.
I remember it all seemed really surreal. They took me in the operating room first while Brad suited up. The spinal anesthesia didn't hurt like I thought it would and they had me all ready to go a few moments after I arrived in the room. As soon as I was laying on the table I think at least 50 people filed into the room. Each of the boys had their own team plus all of the people there for me. Brad sat down right beside me and we got started.
At 10:37am, our precious angel baby B made his entrance. The doctor was expecting him to be small, but he ended up surprising everyone and weighing in nearly a pound heavier than expected. He came out a whopping 5lbs 13 oz and screaming his head off.
At 10:38am, sweet baby W came out. He was still bigger than his brother, but weighed in at an impressive 6lbs 11oz.
(keep in mind in the photos that the baby whose hat says "A" is our sweet B, and the baby whose hat says "B" is our sweet W)
It was clear who was who, baby B was clearly bluer than his tomato red brother W, but to be sure they both headed to the NICU for an echocardiogram. They got to ride together for the trip and Brad went with them.
When they arrived in the NICU and after they had determined (easily) who was who, sweet B started getting all kinds of leads and IV lines and sweet W was examined and given a little formula since his blood sugar was a bit low.
In the meantime, I headed to the PACU to recover and soon Brad and baby W met me there. Everything had happened so fast and I was one happy mama.
The three of us stayed there for a bit and we got a chance to try nursing while we waited for our room. Who knows how long it was, it could have been 3 hours or 30 minutes and we were moved upstairs to our room.
After that it was just basic recovery stuff with the goal in mind that by 6:00 or 7:00 I'd be able to try to get up enough to get into a wheelchair and down to the NICU to see precious B. We were able to sleep and nurse and hang out that afternoon. Around 5:00, the nurse came to get Brad and W to go to the nursery for baby W's first bath and footprints.
He didn't like it very much.
After he was finished they returned and the process of getting up began. Oh my how crazy it was! I found that after I was finally standing, it was okay, but the getting up and getting down were hard. I took my first few steps and after the nurse was sure I was fine, I was given permission to take a wheelchair ride down to the NICU to see our precious baby B.
He had also had a bath that day and was sweetly sleeping in his isolette. He was having his first poopy diaper when we arrived and Brad was able to change it. That brought back to me the first time we met miss L, when she was also being changed. I got to change that one. This time, I couldn't stand up, so it was all on Brad. :o)
I love how peaceful he looks in these photos.
After spending a bit of time with B we headed back to pick W up from the nursery. This would become a theme in the coming weeks. Having two babies in different places is hard. There's always someone missing.
Brad roomed in with me and in fact, didn't leave the hospital to do more than get food for us. It was actually sort of nice! After having spent more than a month alone for most of the day it was fantastic to have 24 hours of Brad. We slept at weird times like people do when babies are brand new. L stayed with her Mawmaw who was probably worn out, but we so appreciated these few days to be just with the new ones.
Wednesday I put on real clothes again! Woohoo! I know that everyone out there who has had a baby can relate to this. While I was changing for the first time I remember catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and being so shocked. I mean... you know that it's not going to look good for awhile, right? I just was so surprised by that popped balloon look. I know lots of moms out there and let me tell you that nobody can tell you look like a popped balloon under your clothes. I decided to just relish the fact that my body had been involved in a miracle and move on, but I was not prepared for that! It's better now, but you and I both know it'll never be the same!! :o)
The whole time in the hospital passed by in a blur. We took photos of W. We visited B. We slept. We practiced nursing. I learned that percocet can be my friend. :o)
Here are some of the photos of W during those first few days.
The day after the twins were born (wednesday) B started to have blood pooling in his lungs. Newborns, particularly early full term newborns, have higher pressures in their lungs and this was causing blood to pool in his. They had wanted to wait a bit longer, but decided that they really had to perform the first surgery, the Norwood, right away. The surgery was scheduled for Thursday. Little B would have his first major surgery at just 2 days old.
We headed to the NICU late late on Wednesday night. We checked in at the front desk and they told us that B had been transported down to radiology to have an x-ray. His bowel had become very distended and they were concerned that it might be malrotation of the intestines. This is an extremely serious condition where the bowels are basically backwards inside the body. It is correctable by surgery, but our little guy already had one major surgery ahead of him. The second was going to be very risky. They told us to head back upstairs and that they would call us as soon as he returned.
I'm not sure how long it was before they called. It could have been an hour or it could have been three. They did call, though, and confirmed that it was NOT malrotation of the intestines. They had some theories and thought that maybe it was Hirschsprung's Disease, but this was nothing that would interfere with his heart surgery.
We rushed down to see him. This was going to be our last chance before surgery. One of the nurses, and I wish I knew her name, gave us an amazing gift that night. We'd been told that we would not be able to hold him until much later. He had a line in his belly button and it would be very bad if we disturbed it. In the wee hours of the morning, that nurse wrapped little B in a blanket to protect his lines and allowed us a few moments to hold our baby for the first time. I still get tears in my eyes thinking about that. I don't know her name, but I so appreciate the gift she gave us.
The next morning (thursday) we were in the NICU by 6:30am to walk little B down to the operating room. It took quite an amazing number of people for such a little guy, but we made it and said see you later to him.
Brad and I headed back to my room and fell asleep. Around 1:30 or 2:00 we woke up to the news that the surgery was over and was a success. B was doing fine and would be in the PICU in just a little while. I won't share the photos from those days. B's chest was open (with a patch over it) and he was extremely swollen from the surgery. He was just so full of tubes and lines. We kept those photos to show him one day, but trust me when I say that they were very graphic.
Friday morning we woke up to snow. We hadn't watched the news in days and days, but we'd heard from the nurses and doctors that a major snowstorm was headed our way. We decided that although insurance and our doctors were happy if we wanted to stay another day, we would leave the hospital. I hadn't been out of the hospital in something like 6 weeks. I was definitely looking forward to that.
We left the hospital and headed to the Ronald McDonald House. It was such a blessing to have a place to stay near the hospital. My parents met us there with L and she and baby W got to meet for the first time.
L had a package from grandma though, and she was distracted by opening this first
.She then spied the baby and was immediately excited. She kept saying, "take it, take it," over and over. She wanted to hold that baby!
She was so excited to be a big sister!
Our days at the Ronald McDonald House passed quickly. We were so busy. We would split our time between trying to take care of miss L and baby W, and visiting with baby B in the hospital. We had ups and downs of course. During this time our sweet baby B went into cardiac arrest in the hospital. It was one of the most terrifying things we've been through. One moment he was fine and the next he was struggling for his life. All we could do was sit and watch while they worked to resuscitate him. Luckily they were able to do so, and though it was a big setback, we still had our baby with us. Also during this time we tried to make things as normal as possible for the kids at "home." We took photos of baby W as he grew and made sugar cookies to decorate for Valentine's Day.
L just loves her baby brother!
Making cookies:
Staying at the Ronald McDonald House was wonderful. It was close to the hospital. There was a shuttle for the times when we were buried in 3 feet of snow. It was also a bit problematic at times. For one thing, there were six of us staying in one room (my mom, dad, me, Brad, L and W) and it was very close quarters. For another thing, it was difficult to make the room safe enough for L to sleep by herself, and the only way that child sleeps is by herself. We knew that we needed to do something when we walked in on this:
Miss L had found her lotion and had opened the container and put some on. It was a cute disaster! I wanted to be so mad, but looking at that face and hearing her say, "Lotion!" was too much!
Right about the time that happened we were lucky enough to receive a visit from Brad's big brother and his wife. What a wonderful change of pace that was!
We also enjoyed spending some time at home. It gave us a chance to try out commuting to the hospital and proved to us that miss L really did sleep so much better at home.
Baby W got his first bath in the kitchen sink.
Brad got to try working from home.
... and baby W took his first "bunny" photo. Here's his 1 month elephant photo.
The Ronald McDonald house was so lovely and so convenient, but ultimately we decided to make it work from home. We will always be incredibly grateful for our time there. We were able to focus on our family and our baby B. They do an amazing service there. It is truly an awesome place.
Moving back home did give us the opportunity to try and make life a bit more normal for miss L. When the first warmish day of spring came we made the most of it! We ventured out to dino park just the 3 of us.
You might remember just about this time last year when I posted photos of L headed down the slide at dinosaur park.
Well this year she tried it again.
...and she sticks it!
She had a blast playing and being the only child for a little while.
One day it was raining and miss L exclaimed, "I splash water boots!!" We put her raincoat and boots on and she went out and had at it. I know I've said it here a hundred times, but I LOVE this age! It's just so amazing! I love watching her play outside in the rain with so much excitement while I think it's way too cold and nasty to go out!
It was right around this time that things started moving quickly for little mister B. They discovered that he did indeed have Hirschsprung's Disease as the neonatologist suspected. Hirschsprung's is a condition where the very bottom of the large intestine contains no nerve cells making passing waste extremely difficult if not impossible. The only treatment for the disease is to remove the section of the colon without these nerve cells. There are two procedures that they can do for this. The first option is a simple colostomy. They take the lowest part of the colon that is still functioning and bring it to the surface of the abdomen and waste exits there. The other option is to take the lowest part of the colon that is still functioning and pull it through to the anus to make a fully functioning colon. Little B already had so much on his plate that the doctors decided to do the colostomy. It is surgery, but it's much less invasive than the pull through procedure. The plan was to perform the pull through when the three stage surgery for his heart was complete.
Since B was already having surgery and hypoplast babies often have trouble feeding they decided to put in a gastrostomy tube at the same time. This is a tube from the abdomen to the stomach and is more permanent and easier to use than the nasal tube that many HLHS babies require. The idea was that if it became necessary it would be easy to use, and if it weren't necessary it wouldn't be a big deal to have.
So... one Friday afternoon baby B had surgery for his two "ostomies" and then just started snowballing with good news. He got his respiratory tube out which was huge and he moved to a private room and out of the critical care corner. At this time our schedule changed. We needed to be at the hospital more and Brad began working from the hospital and I came to visit only every other day since we were staying much longer now. Brad stayed many hours with B in his room. We brought a mobile for B's bed, which he LOVED looking at. Finally, they were able to remove the arterial line that made it impossible for us to hold him and on March 11th we got to hold him again for only the second time in his life. It meant so much to us.
There were still a lot of ups and downs, but so many more ups. This photo was taken the same day that we got to hold him. I love how peaceful he looks.
B started wearing real clothing!
He had his "bunny" picture taken too. Here is B's one month froggy picture (just a teensy bit late):
...and another. Same day, different outfit. :o)
This was such a wonderful time. Both Brad and I just relished the time we got to spend spoiling this boy who hadn't gotten to be spoiled yet!
At home, we were still spoiling his sister and brother.
I constantly feel bad that W isn't photographed as much as his sister was at the same age. We had tons of photos of her, but between being the youngest sibling and our bring busy with B, he doesn't have quite as many photos. I was a fifth kid. I know this is just the way it is! I do love these snapshots that I got one morning though. They are totally W.
Now, miss L LOVES her baby brother so she is always wherever he is. Miss L also loves having her photo taken, so when the camera is on W, inevitably it ends up on her too. :o)
Since B was doing so well at this time, the hospital arranged for miss L to finally meet her baby brother. They started with a doll and examples of the nasal tube he still had.
They also colored a picture for B to keep by his bed.
When we felt like L was ready, we entered the PICU. L did such a fantastic job walking quietly and slowly through the hall and into B's room. At first, she was more interested in the room itself and then she discovered her baby brother.
That same day my mom was also able to hold B for the first time. She and my dad had come in to see him for just a moment when he was in critical care, but today she actually got to hold him for a bit.
Not long after that photo was taken B moved to a room on the intermediate floor. He continued to please his doctors and nurses. On the intermediate floor we were able to bring the kids to visit as often as we liked, although we only got to do it twice. We didn't want the kids to spend too much time there to stress B out, or to disturb the other patients. We were very anxious and excited to get the boys together. They'd been separated almost as soon as they were born and although B was out of it because of the meds he was on, W missed his brother. Baby W had a terrible time sleeping alone and I'm positive that it was because he missed that movement and companionship of being a twin. As soon as it made sense, we brought baby W in to see baby B for a little reunion.
They enjoyed it as much as newborns ever do.
On March 27th we planned to take a trip into the city to see the annual kite festival. After much discussion we decided that we'd only take a fast trip to see baby B. He needed breastmilk, so we decided to take some to him and then head out. I know there was no way I could have known, and I know that it would not have made a difference, but I do regret this decision most of all. Brad went up to his room and I parked the car and nursed baby W while Brad visited B for about 20 minutes. If only we had known.
Precious B had a bath that day and his hair was sticking up and all over the place.
This is the last photo we have of him.
We proceeded into the city. The day was so nice. We talked about how next year we'd have all three kids and how we should start bringing a "We Miss You B!" sign wherever we went and take a photo to show him when he was older. It always felt weird to be out enjoying ourselves while he was in the hospital, but I do think it was always good for L to have those special outings.
We rode the train in, which was a highlight for miss L. Here we are waiting on the platform:
Baby W was a bit less excited.
We checked out the cherry blossoms in our favorite garden first.
We stopped by the magnolias too.
...and of course we flew our kite!
It was a wonderful day. It was bittersweet without all our kids there, but wonderful too. I think that's probably how cherry blossoms will always be for me. B passed away during a magical time of year. It was the time when the whole world is blooming and glorious. It comes and goes way too quickly, but it's really amazing while it's here. I'll never see the cherry blossoms again without thinking of B.
That night around 11:00, while we were finally settling down to sleep we got a phone call that changed our lives forever. The PICU needed us to come right away. Our precious B was crashing and they were trying to resuscitate him. We briefly toyed with the idea of having someone come stay with the kids, but instead threw them into the car and sped to the hospital. I'm so glad we did that.
The nurses met us as we arrived and someone took the kids into the waiting room while we rushed to be by our sweet B's side. They were taking turns giving him compressions and had put his breathing tube back in. Nobody knew exactly what happened except that at 7:00 he was fine, but as the evening progressed he took a turn for the worse. He was such a fighter. He fought hard through so many obstacles. He had major heart surgery at two days old. He came back from the brink of death once. He endured so many procedures and needle sticks. He was an amazing little boy. Around 12:30am on March 28th his poor body couldn't fight anymore. He tried so hard, but his heart just couldn't support his body any longer. He slipped away while Brad and I held him, finally free of all his wires and finally free from all the pain and suffering he endured. I know he wanted to stay, but I know that he's okay. I know that he's in God's arms, safe and sound. I just miss him so very much.
The next few days were a blur. We had family coming in from out of town and we planned the service and took care of the details of his cremation. The following Friday on a gorgeous April 2nd, two months after his birth, we celebrated B's short life.
There will always be a part of us missing. His brother and sister were robbed of a relationship with him, and obviously he was robbed of so much. I do have to say that it has brought us so much comfort to hear the messages from everyone about how he touched their lives and all that he gave them. I know he lived a short time, but I also know that he touched and continues to touch, so many people. I know that we have felt surrounded by love and support from all sides since this tragedy occurred and that has been a huge blessing to us. Thank you so much, everyone, for all the messages, words of encouragement, meals, grocery deliveries and prayers that you've sent our way. It's been a bright spot in a bleak situation.
...and as it always does, life kept happening and we have two beautiful distractions. Two days after the service we celebrated Christ's resurrection on Easter. Experiencing these holidays with L is simply joyful. She walked into the basement to find Easter gifts waiting for her!
For the first year, she was really able to hunt eggs! I think we did at least two egg hunts.
The following week we just got back to living and trying to figure out what normal would be. We tried to take it easy on ourselves and allowing things to happen as they might. We even made a spontaneous trip to Sonic (which is nearly an hour away) and to the zoo.
I'm not sure that L has ever been to a zoo, but she thoroughly enjoyed herself! The weather was wonderful and we saw all kinds of animals.
Baby W celebrated another month birthday during all the craziness of B's passing and so just a few days late we took his elephant photos. Brad took them this time, so of course instead of one good one, we ended up with tons!
...and all good photo sessions must come to an end when the model gets upset. :o)
Brad always used to take L on Saturday mornings so that I could sleep in. He still does that, actually, but this particular Saturday morning baby W and Brad were the only ones awake in the house. They had a lovely time together!
Later that Saturday morning, baby W and I had our special time together at a baby shower just for me and him! It was a lovely morning and a beautiful shower. I'll never forget what a wonderful time we had!
Baby W spent the morning doing this:
What a wonderful party!
One morning during the past week, baby W was just looking very cute and I got the camera out to snap some photos. He's getting fat (the best way for a baby to be) and I want to make certain that I document some of this! I'm still trying to get that first smile with the still camera, but I have some on video, which will be coming soon!
This baby LOVES his big sister. He smiles whenever she's near, but especially if she's being crazy or right in his face. When I think she's getting to be too intense, he starts laughing and cooing and smiling ear to ear. Here he is watching her and I think this is the closest I've gotten to a real smile photo so far!
As L does these days, she wanted to hold baby W and have her photo taken too. Please pardon the dirty face, we were still in our pajamas and not quite put together yet. :o)
Miss L is SUCH a good big sister.
Just today L and her dad started a little garden from a kit they got at the hardware store. Brad has been gardening a lot lately and L loves to help so he thought it would be so fun for her to have some seeds of her own.
L is "smiling."
L was a little concerned about her dirty hands.
Stakes for the sunflowers after they grow:
...and the finished product enjoying some sunshine!
So that's that! I know it was the world's longest post, but I appreciate your sticking with me! Coming next week: 3 month elephant photos!
