It's been a few days since I've checked in here. (K & L are supposed to get internet today, so I'm just staying online until I see her in my chat. Plus it's my last day of summer since professional days start on Monday, so I'm going to be online all day). It occurred to me that I never said anything about my doctor's visit.
Tuesday morning we headed into the RE's office for our follow-up. After my first IVF cycle, Dr. M noticed the poor egg quality, but cited that there could be many causes and we couldn't say for sure that it was a problem. We changed some medications between cycles. I took birth control and started on glucophage to create a more normal hormonal environment for eggs to grow. My medication protocol for stimulating egg production was also changed. Things looked like they were going really really well, but the results were actually worse. We got fewer eggs that were worse than the first cycle.
Dr. M told us that this means that it is not completely impossible for us to get pregnant on our own. Here is the basic idea: nobody has all bad or all good eggs. If I have five good eggs, then theoretically sometime before menopause I should release at least a couple of those. Part of my problem is that I am not ovulating regularly, so you can imagine how things would have to be for us to conceive a child. Things would have to line up exactly right. IVF won't really help us here. It will make me actually produce eggs and helps them to get together with the sperm (something quite impossible with my stubborn ovaries that won't release eggs), but it can't make any good eggs I might have appear. Basically, there is nothing else they can do for me using my own eggs.
The option that Dr. M presented was the use of donor eggs. It's kind of crazy because it's like doing IVF with a partner. The egg donor goes through the first part of IVF, all of the shots, blood work and ultrasounds and then the retrieval surgery. Then the eggs are fertilized using Brad's sperm, then they are transfered to me and hopefully I get pregnant.
Basically traditional adoption or using an egg donor (egg adoption) means the same thing for us genetically. We both lose having a jointly conceived child. Egg adoption does provide us with a pregnancy though. One thing that has been hard for us was losing the idea of a shared pregnancy and those intimate moments that couples experience as they go through that period in their lives. Lots of people say things to me like, "oh, why go through a pregnancy if you don't have to," but honestly, I think I would love enduring the sickness, fatigue and trouble to get to feel my baby moving inside of me, to have the option to really breastfeed and to wear those cute maternity clothes.
Sounds great, right? Of course! There are some issues that go along with both, but I'm sad to say that the major issue at hand is risk and cost. Egg adoption is expensive. It would cost us about the same as our adoption would, but there are no guarantees. (It seems awful to talk about children in terms of cost. We aren't "buying" our child, so the cost should be no object. We do have to think practically though, on some level. SO... even though I find it incredibly offensive to even think about the money, it has to be considered). If we had a miscarriage, or if we failed to get pregnant, the money is just gone. With the adoption, if a mother decides to parent, then the fee that we pay gets applied to any future match.
Taking into account all of the issues involved, we decided to table egg adoption for now. Maybe we'll revisit it in the future, but for now, we've decided to pursue traditional adoption.
The doctor's visit was great. We actually didn't learn anything new, but there was so much finality. It just felt good to finally have some closure on the whole thing. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. It's official, we're done with treatment and I feel good knowing that we did what we could to expand our family in the traditional way. I also feel really good going forward with our adoption with no reservations. I'm not wondering if I should have tried this or that, and I'm not wishing that we could have done something else. I feel like a decision has been made and we get to be excited about the future. We get to be excited about waiting to be matched and about how our lives are going to change forever.
It was a great visit.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Happy Birthday Big Sister!!!!
You guys already know (most of you) it's Mary's birthday. I'm still the last one under 30 (I just thought I'd add that one in for fun), although big Brad is almost 29!! Ha ha!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! WE LOVE YOU!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! WE LOVE YOU!!!
Monday, August 6, 2007
It's the little things...
Yesterday we went to Buy Buy Baby. There aren't any around our immediate area, but there are some not too far away. It's basically a Babies R Us, but for reasons I can't really explain, I find it to be way better. They also have the carseat that I wanted. We went to look at it.
Okay, before I go on (I'm getting really terrible about telling my stories the super long way, sorry.) I should tell you there has been a shift in our family. You know B. He's the practical, look-everything-up type. I've always been the more fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type. Well, apparently he's rubbed off on me, because I've been looking everything up for our baby. I found this carseat that was top rated for safety, but isn't at our Babies R Us.
B is still the practical guy around here. He's still pretty tight in the pockets, but he's super excited about becoming a father, so he's torn when we visit the baby store. We looked at the car seat and discussed how it's really the thing we need the most. We can borrow all kinds of other things to get us through if we had to suddenly go pick up our baby, but that's something we just have to have. We tried it out on all of the universal strollers (the ones that you just click the infant car seat on) and it didn't fit. It was good to know. The travel system for that seat was just expensive. The seat itself was expensive, I didn't feel like I could go for the super expensive stroller too. They just happened to have the stroller for half off. It was in a color that was discontinued, and not my first choice, but it was half off. We bought it. We didn't buy the seat because they didn't have the matching color. We did order it when we got home though.
It's just really exciting. We bought a stroller and a car seat. I just kept the stroller in the box (the car seat haven't arrived yet). It's sitting in the living room. The stroller that will carry my baby is sitting there. I'm just thrilled.
Okay, before I go on (I'm getting really terrible about telling my stories the super long way, sorry.) I should tell you there has been a shift in our family. You know B. He's the practical, look-everything-up type. I've always been the more fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type. Well, apparently he's rubbed off on me, because I've been looking everything up for our baby. I found this carseat that was top rated for safety, but isn't at our Babies R Us.
B is still the practical guy around here. He's still pretty tight in the pockets, but he's super excited about becoming a father, so he's torn when we visit the baby store. We looked at the car seat and discussed how it's really the thing we need the most. We can borrow all kinds of other things to get us through if we had to suddenly go pick up our baby, but that's something we just have to have. We tried it out on all of the universal strollers (the ones that you just click the infant car seat on) and it didn't fit. It was good to know. The travel system for that seat was just expensive. The seat itself was expensive, I didn't feel like I could go for the super expensive stroller too. They just happened to have the stroller for half off. It was in a color that was discontinued, and not my first choice, but it was half off. We bought it. We didn't buy the seat because they didn't have the matching color. We did order it when we got home though.
It's just really exciting. We bought a stroller and a car seat. I just kept the stroller in the box (the car seat haven't arrived yet). It's sitting in the living room. The stroller that will carry my baby is sitting there. I'm just thrilled.
I heart Craigslist
We had to decide which room would become the nursery, the guest room or the craft room. The guest room lost. We've loved having that guest bed. It's been really convenient for having guests. We considered even getting a sofa bed for the craft room. Mom said she'd rather sleep on the air mattress, so that was even easier (and now you know who to blame when you come visit :-). We just needed to decide what to do with the bed.
It was L who turned me on to Craigslist. I've always been an ebay girl myself, but K and L were doing some spring cleaning (and getting ready for that cross country move, I still don't think they have regular internet yet and we miss them!) they ended up selling some things on craigslist. L always had great luck and even found some other neat things to purchase. It just started my thoughts thinking about craigslist. We listed our mattress/box spring set for $50. I thought that was kind of high really. I mean, we got it from a lady at B's mom's church when we got married 7 years ago. At that time it was about 17 years old, but it had only been used as a guest bed and was in great shape. I still think it's in pretty good shape, but $50 seemed like a lot for an almost 25 year old mattress set. We got three emails in the first hour. SO...the guest bed will be gone this weekend. B still thinks that I used false advertising because I said the mattress was firm, but I always thought it was firm. We apparently have different firm levels. Those of you who have slept on it can consider what you think. :-)
We hope that you don't avoid visiting because of the lack of a guest bed. The couches are pretty comfy too. Since dad is officially a senior citizen, we should probably let him use our bed when he comes. Ha!
I'm mostly excited because it means that we're going to have a nursery. Woohoo!
It was L who turned me on to Craigslist. I've always been an ebay girl myself, but K and L were doing some spring cleaning (and getting ready for that cross country move, I still don't think they have regular internet yet and we miss them!) they ended up selling some things on craigslist. L always had great luck and even found some other neat things to purchase. It just started my thoughts thinking about craigslist. We listed our mattress/box spring set for $50. I thought that was kind of high really. I mean, we got it from a lady at B's mom's church when we got married 7 years ago. At that time it was about 17 years old, but it had only been used as a guest bed and was in great shape. I still think it's in pretty good shape, but $50 seemed like a lot for an almost 25 year old mattress set. We got three emails in the first hour. SO...the guest bed will be gone this weekend. B still thinks that I used false advertising because I said the mattress was firm, but I always thought it was firm. We apparently have different firm levels. Those of you who have slept on it can consider what you think. :-)
We hope that you don't avoid visiting because of the lack of a guest bed. The couches are pretty comfy too. Since dad is officially a senior citizen, we should probably let him use our bed when he comes. Ha!
I'm mostly excited because it means that we're going to have a nursery. Woohoo!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Photos!
So it may have seemed obvious and easy (I've done it before on a different blog) but I just seemed to figure out how to post photos. This one is of adorable K playing with B at Maw Maw's house. I've uploaded lots of photos from our recent trip to flickr. You can get to them if you click on the photo. Sorry dad, I stole some of yours too.
It was a great trip. There was lots of playing with K (our first time seeing him since he starting talking), a chocolate cake, and a party for R1 at Incredible Pizza. The highlight of the party was surely the O'Reilly go-carts (according to R2, the Oh Really go-carts, I love that!). I think that Dad is still a tad bitter about being passed at the last minute, but a great time was had by all.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
something new
I was going to combine the last post with this one, but it seemed like a different topic altogether.
The other thing is that we've got all these doctor appointments coming up, which is exciting to me. There is something about seeing a physician that makes me feel like I'm moving forward. We're seeing the infertility counselor that Dr. M recommended to us tonight, and next week we're seeing our regular doctor for our adoption physical and then the next week we're back with Dr. M for a follow-up and to discuss maybe doing an egg donor cycle.
We'll let you know how everything goes!
The other thing is that we've got all these doctor appointments coming up, which is exciting to me. There is something about seeing a physician that makes me feel like I'm moving forward. We're seeing the infertility counselor that Dr. M recommended to us tonight, and next week we're seeing our regular doctor for our adoption physical and then the next week we're back with Dr. M for a follow-up and to discuss maybe doing an egg donor cycle.
We'll let you know how everything goes!
I got a job in my sleep
Sometimes things just happen. I mean I don't actually believe that anything "just happens." I know that everything that happens to me is divine (which doesn't stop me from staring up at the sky and saying, "WHAT?!?!?!" sometimes).
With all of the happenings in the past couple of weeks I forgot that I didn't have a real job for the fall. The high school where I was teaching lost their allocation and being the youngest and the part time person, I got hosed. I did secure a position at another middle school, but it's only 40% time and I really needed to be 60%.
Well, this morning I woke up and I had all these messages on my machine. I've gotten a job at an elementary school at 20%. SO...I have to go to two schools, but I'm at 60% time and I'll still have 3 mornings a week at home! It's great news!
With all of the happenings in the past couple of weeks I forgot that I didn't have a real job for the fall. The high school where I was teaching lost their allocation and being the youngest and the part time person, I got hosed. I did secure a position at another middle school, but it's only 40% time and I really needed to be 60%.
Well, this morning I woke up and I had all these messages on my machine. I've gotten a job at an elementary school at 20%. SO...I have to go to two schools, but I'm at 60% time and I'll still have 3 mornings a week at home! It's great news!
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I'm fine, really.
I have a confession to make. I don't always tell the truth. I don't know if it's my midwestern upbringing, or some personality flaw, but people are always asking how I am and I am always saying, "I'm doing great." Sometimes I even add in a "really" before the great for emphasis. What is worse is that sometimes I really am doing great, but sometimes I'm not and sometimes I don't even know the difference.
Every once in a while I am blessed with these moments of clarity. I'll be laying on the couch, curled up in my husband's arms, thinking about how I can hear his heartbeat and it will occur to me how utterly and completely wonderful things are. I'll just be in a moment and realize that I have so much peace in my life. I love those times.
It seems to me that I don't really know how I truly feel about things until they are over. (I guess I'm just really not as self-aware as I think I am) When I look back on the past few months I can see how sad/mad/bitter/exhausted I've been. I don't think that anyone would argue that we've been through a lot of big life changes this past year and I think that I needed to hold on to all of those emotions. We've always been really open about our struggles and people have always asked how we're doing. I know that people even really mean that they actually want to know how we're actually doing. I always say that we're doing great, and even in my heart I knew it wasn't true. I'm terribly sorry if you were one of the people I lied to.
The good news is that we are really doing great. I've been experiencing some major peace lately. Today it struck me that this may not work out. We may never adopt. We may never have a child to share our lives with. The really crazy thing is that I think that's okay. I feel like I can just be at peace. (that doesn't mean I'm going to stop buying baby clothes or stop trying to sell my guest bed) I know that seems like a silly little thing, but I really feel like something is lifting. I really feel okay. God is good to us. I'm doing really great.
Every once in a while I am blessed with these moments of clarity. I'll be laying on the couch, curled up in my husband's arms, thinking about how I can hear his heartbeat and it will occur to me how utterly and completely wonderful things are. I'll just be in a moment and realize that I have so much peace in my life. I love those times.
It seems to me that I don't really know how I truly feel about things until they are over. (I guess I'm just really not as self-aware as I think I am) When I look back on the past few months I can see how sad/mad/bitter/exhausted I've been. I don't think that anyone would argue that we've been through a lot of big life changes this past year and I think that I needed to hold on to all of those emotions. We've always been really open about our struggles and people have always asked how we're doing. I know that people even really mean that they actually want to know how we're actually doing. I always say that we're doing great, and even in my heart I knew it wasn't true. I'm terribly sorry if you were one of the people I lied to.
The good news is that we are really doing great. I've been experiencing some major peace lately. Today it struck me that this may not work out. We may never adopt. We may never have a child to share our lives with. The really crazy thing is that I think that's okay. I feel like I can just be at peace. (that doesn't mean I'm going to stop buying baby clothes or stop trying to sell my guest bed) I know that seems like a silly little thing, but I really feel like something is lifting. I really feel okay. God is good to us. I'm doing really great.
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