I've kept a calendar for all three kids that goes through the first year of life. I use this to write down milestones and things. Of course, L's is filled to the brim with things and poor W has something like three things on his first month. I was just sure that I had more so I spent an evening going through my facebook to see if I'd mentioned anything. In getting back to February 2nd when the twins were born I passed through some amazing messages. There is a whole life's journey on my wall where so many of you left notes of encouragement, prayers, liftings up and sympathies. I cried as I read them. I cried tears of sadness remembering how difficult that time was and also feeling the sharpness of how much I miss my baby boy. I also cried thankful tears. Very few people on this earth receive that kind of outpouring of love in such a tangible way. I think many of us are loved in that way, but very few of us get to know it in such an obvious way.
This day is also another anniversary...
One month ago today in a hospital in Texas my 1.5 year old cousin L received a heart transplant. He also suffers from HLHS and was post Glenn (having had two of the three surgeries) and at a regular cardiologist appointment his mama and daddy were punched in the gut with the news that their baby was in heart failure. He nearly lost his life and what his family endured was unimaginable but he received a heart for transplantation through an extremely generous donation from the family of a little girl. What an amazing miracle took place in that hospital a month ago today. It's been amazing to watch as so many marvel at the way that God is using little L (facebook is an amazing thing, isn't it?).
When L's transplant occurred on the five month anniversary of Ben's death Brad and I wept in amazement. We've followed L's story from his birth, and we followed it with a lot more perspective after Ben's birth and death from this horrible defect. Obviously I'm extremely thankful (understatement!) about little L's new heart, but I was surprised when this whole situation had a sort of unexpected effect on me. There have been many moments these past few weeks that I've had to delve a little deeper into my grief and healing process. At times it has even been painful, but God is most certainly using this little miracle boy to help me, too.
I would be dishonest if I didn't admit to you that there have been times over these past six months when I sat in self-pity and wondered why my miracle didn't come.
I know God's okay with all this questioning and I'm honestly ashamed for even thinking of this during what is a BEYOND amazing time for my family.
Obviously, this is an age old question that so many have asked. Why does God choose to perform great miracles in some situations and not in others? It's on my list of questions to ask when I get up there but I know that there will never be a satisfactory answer to that question here on earth.
Here's the thing: I do believe that God is a glorious all powerful god. I know that he has the power to create and destroy (and to clarify I DO NOT believe he destroyed Ben), and I know that he has the power to save. I don't know why he chose not to save Ben. In my heart of hearts I don't believe that God wants us to hurt. I don't believe that God goes around with his lightning bolt pen deciding what kind of day you're going to have and I do believe that God creates beauty and good where nastiness and pain have been.
This is where I'm led out of my pit of wondering why me and I come back to that love that was shown to us and I'm able to see the beauty that God has created in it. I reread all those facebook messages and they are certainly beautiful. The fact that I know that Ben has been made whole, totally healed and released from the awful suffering and pain that he endured on earth is also certainly beautiful. The fact that my relationship with Ben continues to grow and develop even though he is gone away from me is also most certainly a beautiful thing. Clearly, I'd rather have him back and sacrifice whatever personal growth I've gained and obviously I can't imagine that anything will ever fill the whole in my heart, but I am so thankful that I am a child of God who has taken this tragedy and grown something out of it. I'm so thankful that little L got his heart when he did and not a day later because now the number 28 is always going to carry deep meaning for me as I continue on this journey. How incredible that a little boy 2000 miles away has been used to give me the push I needed.
I know that God is placing people in my life who are offering me support and help through all of this. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning, but I know that there are life savers all around (and I wish that I could tell each and every one of you how your simple words that you probably didn't even think much of affected me so deeply, many of you have been used to shore me up and never knew it).
AND really maybe there was a bit of a miracle even if it wasn't the one I wanted. I can revel in the fact that God used Ben during his short stay here (and even in his death). I know that Ben touched lives of people everywhere, both those in our circle of family and friends and those who we never knew. It gives me such amazing peace to know that however short that Ben's life had purpose and bless all of you who took time (and continue to take time) to let me know how his life touched yours. Ben didn't live in vain. He left the world a better place than it was when he arrived. That is certainly a miracle indeed.
P.S. I'll keep everyone up to date on my cousin L's progress. Thank you to everyone who has continued to pray for their family. It's a beautiful thing!
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