We woke up early and went to work. It was the first day of school and I was starting a new job. I woke up thinking about you. Not you specifically, but about who you would be, where you were, who your first mama was and how she was doing. I was wondering if you'd been conceived yet. I was loving you. I had no idea that at 12:30am that very morning weighing in at 6 lbs 4 oz, and 19 inches long, you had already been born. Perfect and beautiful, you were already in this world.
It was around 6:00 when the call came in. I was already in my pajamas. Daddy had gone to California Tortilla after I'd had an exhausting day. I ate chips and queso and diet coke for dinner. We didn't reach the phone in time and heard Leslie's voice on the answering machine. We'd assumed that our background checks had come in and she just said, call me back. Daddy called. All I heard as I sat across the bed listening but checking my email was, "born today... can you come." Daddy said, "I'll need to talk to Sarah about this," and he hung up. Your daddy is not a man that deals easily with change. He likes his things to happen slowly, and he was not expecting that phone call. He was sort of in shock. He told me that a baby had been born and needed a home. Could we come right away. He told me he thought it was a boy. He knew the answer before he asked me. He called right back and put Leslie on speakerphone. We told her yes, of course, yes. She informed us that you were not a boy, but a girl, and we told her your name. After that phone call daddy laid on the floor for a long time. He was so very very happy, but needed to absorb everything. Then we got busy.
We had a thousand phone calls to make. I called into work and called Mawmaw and Pawpaw and Daddy took care of tons of other things. We lined up catsitters and friends to help out. I went to target to get a few things because we hadn't prepared. I picked up a blanket and some clothes and a few other things. I got the wrong size diapers. I was still in shock too. I was so blissful. The woman at the cash register told me, congratulations on your baby. I never told her anything, but I guess it was pretty obvious from the contents of my cart. It was wonderful.
We left at 10:00. We went by the Stapleton's and left a key. By 11:00 we were on the road. We ate so much junk food to stay awake. We thought about stopping several times, but daddy kept saying how he just wanted to get to you, and that really kept us going. In Ohio, after daybreak, we stopped for a couple of hours at a rest stop to sleep and then we kept driving. We got to Mawmaw and Pawpaw's too late to see you that day. Leslie would come at 8:30 the next day to take us to the hospital. We hardly slept.
At 6:30 we woke up to the sound of cousin K coming through the door. Mary and K were so excited to see us. Mawmaw and Mary had done a shopping trip of their own the night before, buying the right size diapers, thank goodness, and tons of tiny pink things for you to wear. It was such a relief to see the piles of goodies they'd gotten. I'd only purchased two outfits for you! You were going to need more than that!
We were ready to go long before Leslie arrived. We had the camera and your carseat and a bag full of random baby things that we thought might be helpful. We arrived at the hospital at around 10:30. Everyone had to go to the bathroom, which I wanted to avoid, wanting to get right to see you but daddy pointed out that he wouldn't want to leave you after he did see you, so it was a good idea to go now. I waited outside. After the potty break Leslie went to the social worker's office. We had to meet her so she could check credentials before we could actually see you. She (social worker) was in a meeting and we would have to wait until 11:00 or so when she was due out. I was so sad. We headed over to the nursery to just peek in the windows. You'd gone to the nursery as soon as you were born. Your first mama N knew that she was placing you for adoption, and thought that the parting would be easier if you stayed in the nursery instead of in her room. The hospital had scheduled a nurse each shift just to hold you and care for you. The nurses were busy doting on you when we got there. You had obviously wound each of them around your little finger. When we arrived, the nurses knew exactly who we were. They invited us in.
One nurse was standing over you. You'd had your first poopy diaper and she was changing you and she looked at me as soon as we entered and said, oh! here, you can change her! I was so surprised that she had asked and I was so worried that I would hurt you or do it wrong, and in front of all of the nurses! I did fine and you did fine. They'd just given you a bath before we'd arrived and you were ready to just be held. I picked you up out of the bassinet and held you for the first time. It's a moment that will always be special to me. I wasn't the voice you were used to and my heartbeat was not the one you'd heard for nine months, but in that moment I became your mama. I became the voice you would get used to, and the heartbeat that you'd sleep near. In that instant, I promised you that I would do my best. I was scared to death, not by the great big future of parenthood, but simply by that moment of taking care of your sweet tiny self. I'd seen lots of tiny babies, but I'd never cared for one. Your daddy looked to me to know what to do. I was so scared that I wouldn't know, but at the same time, looking at your peaceful little face. I was going to do whatever it took to make sure it got done.
Your first mama N had gone home already after visiting you several times in the nursery. I desperately wanted to meet her. I wanted to see her and hold her hand and promise to her that I'd do my best. I wanted to tell her that I knew that the sacrifice she was making was enormous, and tell her how sorry I was, though I'd never be able to make it up to her, that she was in this position. I wanted to make it okay for her. I still wish that I could somehow. I don't know how you'll feel about all of this one day, but right now I just want to tell you that she must be brave and strong to have gone through all this. I know that those things will be passed on to you.
I passed you on to your daddy after a few moments of holding you. You were so amazingly perfect and peaceful. We stayed in the nursery for an hour or so, feeding you, holding you and being in wonder.
When the social worker made it around to the nursery after her meeting she was happy to see us. They readied a room just for us and we were able to stay in a private room for the rest of the day. The doctor needed to come and see you and wanted you to eat a bit more before they would release you. We were happy to stay as long as we needed to.
I dressed you in the clothes we'd brought. You were down a bit to 5 lbs 15 oz and you were so tiny. The clothes I'd brought were newborn sized up to seven pounds, but they still swallowed you up. You were mostly happy just to be held and sleep. Leslie waited a few hours while we got to know you and then had her turn holding you. This must be the best part of her job, holding beautiful babies.
Around 3:00 the doctor came through and discharged us. Another social worker came by and met with us. He had some paperwork for us to sign. We prayed for you and for mama N and then we were on our way.
It was pretty amazing to put you in your carseat and start for home. I remember being very quiet. Leslie put on the soundtrack to the movie Hairspray. You slept. Daddy and I just sat and thought. So much had happened. We were now parents. We went by the church to get Leslie's daughter K on our way home. Aunt Mary was there and she was the first family member to see you. She gushed all over you and promised to go straight to Mawmaw and Pawpaw's house when she got done with children's choir. There were loads of people waiting for us when we got there.
You are one year old today. All of these things happened in what seems like a lifetime ago, and somehow also just like yesterday. One thing is for certain. You have changed us as your parents. It's not your job to do, but you've made us better people. You've made me aware of things that I never would have thought of before. You've brought joy to my life and warmed a place in my heart I didn't even know was cold. My life would no longer be complete without you. I don't even know how I made it without you in the first place.
God has a funny way of working things out. I don't believe that God makes terrible things happen. I don't think that God wanted you to be seperated from your first mama. I don't think that God wanted for your Daddy and I to suffer pain because we could not create biological children. I do believe that so often God creates good where pain and sadness were before. I would go through that pain a thousand times to still know you. You are what my heart desired. I just didn't know it before. I know that God brought us together. I know that we are supposed to be a family.
Adoption is sort of funny. Besides the occasional home visit and hearing, our lives have been pretty much like those of your biologically parented friends. Our experiences have been mostly the same as everyone else's, but our story started much differently. This is your birthday story and it is almost as special to me as you!
Happy birthday baby girl.
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