I have a confession to make. I don't always tell the truth. I don't know if it's my midwestern upbringing, or some personality flaw, but people are always asking how I am and I am always saying, "I'm doing great." Sometimes I even add in a "really" before the great for emphasis. What is worse is that sometimes I really am doing great, but sometimes I'm not and sometimes I don't even know the difference.
Every once in a while I am blessed with these moments of clarity. I'll be laying on the couch, curled up in my husband's arms, thinking about how I can hear his heartbeat and it will occur to me how utterly and completely wonderful things are. I'll just be in a moment and realize that I have so much peace in my life. I love those times.
It seems to me that I don't really know how I truly feel about things until they are over. (I guess I'm just really not as self-aware as I think I am) When I look back on the past few months I can see how sad/mad/bitter/exhausted I've been. I don't think that anyone would argue that we've been through a lot of big life changes this past year and I think that I needed to hold on to all of those emotions. We've always been really open about our struggles and people have always asked how we're doing. I know that people even really mean that they actually want to know how we're actually doing. I always say that we're doing great, and even in my heart I knew it wasn't true. I'm terribly sorry if you were one of the people I lied to.
The good news is that we are really doing great. I've been experiencing some major peace lately. Today it struck me that this may not work out. We may never adopt. We may never have a child to share our lives with. The really crazy thing is that I think that's okay. I feel like I can just be at peace. (that doesn't mean I'm going to stop buying baby clothes or stop trying to sell my guest bed) I know that seems like a silly little thing, but I really feel like something is lifting. I really feel okay. God is good to us. I'm doing really great.
No comments:
Post a Comment