My thoughts on this are new and evolving, so bear with me.
Is it just me, or has race been more present in the media lately? I don't mean people of color, but I mean actually talking about race. It may just be the current presidential election, or it may be that I'm finally paying attention. Either way, I think the dialogue is good.
I'm really ashamed to say this, but before we adopted sweet baby L, I never gave race much thought. I mean, I always prided myself on being "color-blind." Even into adulthood, I thought that was a really good thing.
When we decided to adopt, we had a discussion about what "sort" of adoption we wanted. We knew that we wanted to adopt domestically, because we wanted to parent a child from birth, but we also knew that we were open to a child from any background, whether there was some drug use during pregnancy, or some health issues. We decided that God would lead us down the path we were meant to travel, and we'd follow wherever it went. We didn't actually even discuss race. When I called the social worker and she asked if we'd be willing to parent a child of a different racial background, I said of course!
I think this was naieve. Before I go on, let me say that I think that for us, adopting L was perfect. I'm just saying that we didn't consider what adopting transracially would be like, we just went into it with the feeling that we weren't racist and would be happy to have whatever child came. This has positive and negative aspects (in my mind the positive outweigh the negative, but we'll see as L grows). Our family is different from everyone else's and it's obvious as soon as you see us and we get attention everywhere we go. The negative side of this is certainly that everyone feels entitled to ask about our family. Well meaning questions are often actually rude and insensitive (seriously, you wouldn't believe some of the things people say). On the positive side of this, there isn't even a tiny part of me that can pretend that L isn't adopted, which I think is a good thing, it's caused me to confront some demons I probably didn't think I had. It also has changed our views on race and racism.
I do not pretend to understand what it is not to be white. I simply can't. I can't write from the experience of someone who has endured being the target of racism all their lives. I can only write from my very recent experience as a mom to a transracial adoptee and I do think that I have been the target of racism as a part of a transracial family. Some of those well-meaning questions that strangers ask have definite racial undertones to them (yes, she's from america, and seriously it's really just hair, like normal hair, I mean, yeah it's curly, but it's really just gorgeous, amazing NORMAL hair). In particular, I had a very painful experience at a hairdressers in December. The questions I was asked and the way that I was treated was unbelievable. The worst part, is that I think that the hairdresser and his son both really thought they were being clever and funny. I hate to think of the times in the future when I'm not around that baby L will deal with these same sorts of questions or even worse.
What I have learned in my VERY short experience as a mom, is that being "color-blind" is ridiculous. First of all, it robs us all of the differences that make us beautiful and unique. We are all different colors, religions, sizes and shapes and THAT is what makes us interesting. If we were all the same, what would be beautiful? Second of all, it's ridiculous to pretend that we aren't different. We are. Get over it. I think that some people like to pretend (those of us with the luxury to do so) that racism is a thing of the past. Growing up in a white home, in a teensy tiny midwestern town, we didn't talk about race at all (you know, part of the color-blind thing). I think that we think if we push it under the rug it isn't there. I know that the reasoning there is that people don't want to say the WRONG thing. We all know racism is evil and ugly, and we'd hate for something to come out of our mouths that made us look that way, so we just don't talk about it at all.
This is why I think the current dialogue is so awesome. I've had two conversations with dear friends this week about race, seen a lot of talk about it on the View (yes, I watch the view, and I know I should be cleaning or something, but instead I surf the net and watch tv :o), read about it in blogs and even hear lots of talk about it on the news. I love watching people discuss their views about what they consider to be racist or not to be racist, or what falls into that gray area in between. I firmly believe that when we don't confront evil, it just lurks into our living rooms and takes up residence and after a while, we don't even know it's there. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't know this before L, but I'm happy to say that I'm realizing it more and more now. There is so much evil in the world. Racism is everywhere around us, but maybe if we talk about it, we can shoo some of it out.
And I think I'm going to start saying, "Heaven" when people ask me where she's from.
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