pregnancy test

Well... it's sad news.

I'm not pregnant.

I took six pregnancy tests earlier this week, 5 of which came back positive, so we'd become very excited (of course!). Unfortunately we've experienced a chemical pregnancy which is basically an early miscarriage. My numbers on my blood test from the doctor's office show my hcg higher than a negative, but not high enough to be a positive. So... I was pregnant, but it's not a viable pregnancy. My numbers will continue to drop.

As for now, we go back to the doctor on Monday. I have to have another blood test to see where we are then. I am stopping my medication (which is actually a good thing) and we'll meet with the doctor to go over why this may have happened.

Warning: I'm about to get all philosophical.

The thing is it's really okay. I mean, I'm totally bummed out about it. I'll grieve the loss, but not like I had to before. Brad and I accepted a long time ago that we were not going to have biological children, and we were at peace with that and going into this cycle we were very aware of the fact that we knew it would work out positive or negative. It doesn't mean that it doesn't suck. It doesn't mean that sometimes I don't wish that I had it easier or even wonder why the heck I don't have it so easy. I just think that we went into this knowing that it would be okay whether or not we ended up pregnant.

I really and truly believe that God has a plan in all of this. I've said it before that I don't believe that God causes our suffering. I don't know why we suffer, but I don't think that God causes it. I do think that God finds good in our pain. I know that I felt in the depths of despair when we got done with our second cycle of IVF. I felt like I was suffering so badly and I wondered why God would allow such a painful thing to happen to me. Looking back on it now though I'd go through that suffering a hundred times to have L in my life. I know that she came to be my daughter through that suffering.

With that perspective, this all doesn't seem that bad. It's sad for sure, but I know that we'll have another child. This is a step on our journey.

We sit down with the doctor next Monday and decide what the next step is going to be. We can certainly use the embryos we have frozen, or do another fresh cycle, or we may just be moving on to our original next step which was adoption. We're not sure at this point what we'll do, but don't worry we'll keep you posted.