A few months ago our church sponsored a women's brunch led by a local pastor's wife (who, as so many others are, is so much more than a pastor's wife) who led us in creating our own one thousand gift journals or eucharisteo journals inspired by Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts.
I was lucky enough to go to the local pastor's wife's house and to see the amazing artwork she creates. She does a lot of good work with families and helping to create houses that reflect the belief within them is one of her strong suits. The house was beautiful and what she had done with artwork and crafting really spoke to me and I felt so inspired.
The breakfast was just as inspiring. The message was about living FULLY right now. Not waiting for moments of grandeur as you visit those places on your bucket list, but experiencing the beauty and the grandeur of right now. For myself and other young moms, sometimes that's really hard.
There was a moment yesterday morning when the baby was crying because he was tired, miss L was sobbing in her chair because I was trying to get us to just. finish. the. spelling. lesson. for. crying. out. loud. and I was frustrated and she was frustrated, and mister W had a dirty diaper that really needed changing. I was so focused on the overwhelm.
AND that was just that moment. That doesn't even cover the daily challenges that we as people face with unspeakable loss and grief, mental and physical illnesses, difficulties with children with special needs, separation from our families and from God, isolation from the world.
Pastor's wife spoke to me that morning. She told us a little of Ann Voskamp's story. She watched her younger sister as she was run over by a feed truck on their farm and it ripped their family apart. Her mother suffered long from mental illness after that incident. Her brother and sister in law watched as genetic illness took two of their children less than 18 months apart. She closed her life to grace. Pastor's wife told us other stuff about Ann Voskamp, but those were the parts I heard because those were the parts that spoke to me.
Pastor's wife added that the thing is, God only needs the tiniest seed of faith. I can come to God with my doubts. I can come to God with my messy, ungrateful, cranky life. Because God only needs a little tiny fragment of a seed of faith to work in me. That was point number one that lay on my heart as she spoke, and then she told me this. There is nothing this world can do to my soul. There is nothing that this broken, messed up, rotten world can do to my soul. Illness, separation, isolation, even the death of a beloved child cannot damage my soul.
That was powerful for me.
We created beautiful journals at that brunch. The idea behind the eucharisteo journals is that when we take time to record each day something we are thankful for that we will start to see God's blessings everywhere. Sure, the first few days are going to be the big things like that we're thankful for our kids, our families, whatever, but when you are a long way in, you have to really start looking. AND I think, when you really start looking, you start seeing the amazing beauty and gifts around you. Perhaps you never noticed the light in your kitchen, but that's a gift from God. When I am in the car and my kids are laughing at one another and the sound is magic, that's a gift from God. You have to choose to be thankful. Believe me, I've been in the midst of awfulness and darkness, and I really believe that. Thankfulness is a choice.
So... fast forward to the last few weeks. We're doing a study in my mom's group on Philippians and finding joy in the stressful times. I've felt this stirring in my soul this Christmas to return (or maybe just turn) to a simpler way of celebrating. I've tried to keep our focus on Christ and to do as many Christ-centered activities as we do secular ones (which is impossible, but we're better this year than in the past for sure). This, for me, is a way of simplifying and finding joy in all things. I just find when my eyes are focused on Christ, that my whole being feels peace, and each Christmas the sting of Ben's loss lurks a little more pressingly and peace is most welcome.
As we've been trying to be intentional about being thankful and grateful with our children and in our own lives, I've been thinking again about Ann Voskamp. I have the book, One Thousand Gifts. I haven't read it. Last night, after a wonderful evening of cookies and wine, when I was feeling full of gratitude, I picked it up.
When I have doubts, and I do have them, God does something that whispers to me and I know he's there. Opening that book and reading those first few pages, I knew I was supposed to be there in that moment reading it.
I felt like this was written for me: "Really, when you bury a child -- or when you just simply get up every day and live life raw -- you murmur the question soundlessly. No one hears. Can there be a good God? A God who graces with good gifts when a crib lies empty through long nights, and bugs burrow through coffins? Where is God, really? How can he be good when babies die, and marriages implode, and dreams blow away, dust in the wind? Where is grace bestowed when cancer gnaws and loneliness aches and nameless places in us soundlessly die, break off without reason, erode away. Where hides this joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, and how do I fully live when life is full of hurt? How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out?"
and reading that, I know this book is going to be a journey for me. I know that it's always okay to ask the questions, because that's the only way we get the answers.
She closes the first chapter with these thoughts:
"That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave.
Maybe so.
But how? How do we choose to allow the holes to become seeing-through-to-God places? To more-God places?
How do I give up resentment for gratitude, gnawing anger for spilling joy? Self-focus for God-communion.
To fully live -- to live full of grace and joy and all that is beauty eternal. It is possible, wildly.
I see now and testify.
So this story -- my story.
A dare to live an emptier, fuller life."
Wow. I'm so glad I picked up this book. So glad that God's using it to speak to me. As we close down 2012 and enter into 2013 I want to choose this as my year of eucharisteo - of living with joy and grace in thanksgiving. I'm going to crack open the journal I made long ago at that women's brunch and notice those gifts that are here, right now. I'm going to explore the hard questions that God has been laying on my heart for a long time and sort through them. The book is heavy (as you can see) but I'm looking forward to digging a little deeper and growing a little more. I probably won't be able to do it perfectly, as I'm imagining writing my blessings down each day without fail, but I'll do it, and like me, it'll probably be a little messy, but it'll be fine. It'll be fine, because in the end, I'm really not in charge. There's definitely peace in that.
Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for reading the thoughts on my heart.
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